A particular incident that took place many years ago stands out in my mind.
During one summer, when I was about 20, we took a trip to the beach with a few friends, which included Clyde’s brothers. On our way back from the beach, we passed a stream alongside the road. Clyde stopped the car.
"Come guys," he said, as he got out. "We can go down to the stream and take a swim."
Everyone jumped off the back of the truck ready for some fresh
As they effortlessly climbed down the road embankment, a surge of intense frustration overwhelmed me like the lighting of a match. My suppressed emotions flooded to the surface.
Suppressing my anger prevented people around me from feeling uncomfortable. I bottled it up rather than let it out. That day, these explosive feelings erupted into harmful words.
"You know I can't get down there!" Outrage overwhelmed me.
"We can help you down," someone said.
"I am disabled," I shouted back. "I can't get down there. I don’t want to struggle. "
Thoughts floated in my mind. None of you really think of me. My life is not that easy, and you are all narrow-minded and completely selfish.
Clyde interrupted my reverie. "Mandy, geez, relax."
But I could not. I would normally never direct my resentment outward, as I kept my anger to myself, but that day I just snapped.
"Don't take that attitude with me! You're an egotistical group of people. Do you just accept that I can't get
It's been there a while now, this anger, escaping when I'm away from those I cared about. This grew in my belly until it came out as hot as any dragon has ever flamed.
Clyde tried to calm me down. "We offered to take you, Mandy. We were going to make sure that you weren’t hurt. "
"Why can’t you see how I’m struggling? It doesn’t matter to you! You think I can just fix myself and move on!! Don’t speak to me. " All these words spilled out of my mouth.
There was silence for a few minutes. Almost everyone was down by the stream, without me.
Clyde stood there stunned. He walked toward the slope and called down. "Come on, let’s go. Mandy can’t be left alone in the car. "
They appeared one by one, looking angry with me. They were seriously angry with me because I spoiled their day? Really! They
I had a combination of feelings, anger, guilt, and shame, but couldn’t turn around and face them, let alone apologize for my outburst.
There was silence on the drive back home.
I was angry at the world, angry with the people around me. That day, My Demon took control. Dealing with a disability often requires advanced preparation.
Preparing for the worst, on the other hand, can quickly turn into expecting the worst.
My MD was at the beginning stage and I had reacted as though I was already in a wheelchair.
I felt as if I had lost my patience with the world. As if everything in my life was negative, and I was losing my ability to see anything as positive. I felt everybody was against me and deliberately doing things to hurt me. Now, thinking back, that wasn’t the case. It was just that I was going through so much and I didn't know how else to vent all my anger and frustration. I felt like I was going through life being unfairly "punished"
Clyde took everyone home, while I sulked next to him. There was silence as everyone got out of the car. Clyde turned toward me to say something or maybe he did, I cannot remember.
"Don’t talk to me, just leave me alone," I said.
We arrived home. I went to shower and afterward
The family was angry with me for quite some time. I felt disappointed in myself for failing to try to get down the embankment and throwing a tantrum instead. (
I saw first-hand how my anger affected my family and friends. They didn't deserve my outburst of anger. It wasn’t their fault, it was mine. We are all human and we will never be perfect.